My Struggle with Anorexia

Heya! 

This post deals with talk about disordered eating and mental health, if you think that's maybe not for you or you're not in a good headspace, I don't recommend reading!

If you need help or are feeling alone, you can contact Lifeline Australia on 13 11 14

or 

the Butterfly Foundation for Eating Disorders on 1800 334 673

__________________________________________________________

I've always struggled with self-esteem issues. I'm not particularly sure where it stemmed from but it's always been there in the back of my mind. 

I remember clearly the first time I tried to put myself on a diet. I was in year 5 and told mum that I wanted to start packing my own lunch. All I packed for the whole day was carrot sticks. at 11 years old I thought I was fat. 

Mum demanded to see what I had put in my lunchbox before I walked out the door. This ended with an altercation of me crying because she told me I had to bring more to school than just carrot sticks. She sent me off with tuna and crackers, a sandwich and fruit (a normal kids lunchbox, duh?) to accompany my carrot sticks. When I arrived at school I promptly threw them in the bin.

That didn't last long though - I've always loved food and eating. My mum is an amazing cook and has taught me to love food and myself.

However, things changed when I went to boarding school. (p.s. this is not a slam on boarding school! I loved it there as you can see in my How to Survive Boarding post!)

Mum, myself and my little brothers just before I was taken out of school to recover.

In Year 8 I began comparing myself to other girls. I concluded that I wasn't 'skinny,' enough and that boys wouldn't like me (which was complete and utter bull dust!) I also hated sport so I decided I would have to lose weight by cutting foods out.

I stopped going to breakfast in the morning and instead limited my breakfast intake to 10 M&Ms. One of my friends became particularly concerned about this and would bring me a piece of Vegemite toast on her way back from breakfast.

At the end of Year 8 I begrudgingly went on a run with one of my friends. I found that I really liked it and started going every day. This continued into the Christmas holidays.

These holidays I had begun making rules for myself. No snacks, only meals. No dairy in drinks, only soy. No solids for breakfast, only shakes. And the most important thing was to run. Every day.

L: 6:00am before a run on the Farm. I clearly remember taking this photo because I thought I looked 'fat.'

R: To put things into perspective: Those jeans were size 6. That top was an XXS. I was 170cm tall. You can even see where I was losing my hair here. Wowzer.

When I got back to boarding at the start of Year 9 I was flooded with praise from my friends about how good I looked and how much weight I'd lost. This, while the girls only had the best intentions, ended up being positive re-inforcement of the bad habits I had created for myself.

I kept running every day and I stuck to my rules. By this time there were more, No carbs, no meat unless you're around your parents, no yogurt. I'd also started implementing 'fast days,' where I would eat nothing at all. There would generally occur on a Monday after binging on the weekend. I also got into the interschool cross country team and me, being very competitive, decided that to do well, I had to be 'skinny,' and 'fit.'

It's also important to mention I was going to the gym in the morning three times a week, and then for a run in the afternoon. The mornings I couldn't go to the gym I would double my runs. I was weighing myself every day possible and would cry even if I had 'gained' just a few grams. My parents were now super worried and so were my friends.

L: Me, before running the 800m at my school carnival. 

R: On holidays after my evening 5k run. The other 5 was done in the morning.

So I was over-exercising, under-eating and I still thought I was the size of a hippo. But things had started to change; boys were interested in me and I knew it. In reality, this was because we were 13 and hormones were raging - or course boys were talking to me! At that age boys would talk to a broom if they had to (no pun intended, I looked like a broom at that point.) 

We went on our annual family holiday in July and the whole family was concerned. I was running upwards of 10km per day (on holiday wtf?) and eating like a rabbit. Cup A Soup was my go to for lunch. Muesli and apple for breakfast and as little as I could possibly get away with for dinner. 

There were also stupid things I would do like look at my shadow and decide that even that was too 'fat.' Although my clothes were already hanging off me, I'd make sure I would wear things that were 100 times too big for me so people would stop commenting on how skinny I was. I never believed them when they said it.

My Dad, my brothers and Me. On holidays, me wearing a mens XXL shirt.

Mum and Dad, along with my psych, realised that something needed to be done. I ended up seeing a nutritionist at The Hollywood Clinic. I hated her. For no reason other than she wanted me to eat more. I took this as a challenge. Whatever she told me to eat, I would make sure I ate less.

L: A photo I sent to a friend to show them that I was 'fit,' not 'skinny.' I was quite obviously just sick.

R: Me, off to the Albany show, upset with how I looked.

My lowest weight was just before my 14th birthday. To put things into perspective, I am and was 170cm tall and when I started Boarding school I weighed 70kg. When I weighed myself on this date I was exactly 45kg. And It still wasn't skinny enough for me. My hair was falling out when I washed it. In literal clumps. I remember thinking; never tell anyone about this! It was the worst.

On the 1st of September, I went to my psych for my weekly appointment and broke down. The only thing I had eaten for 48 hours was half an apple. She told me everything was going to be okay and I went back to school. They brought me into the sick bay and made me a peanut butter sandwich. I ate approximately two bites. The health nurses congratulated me and told me that it was really good! All I could do was cry. 

L: I don't even know what my logic was behind measuring my weight on the size of my shadow...

R: At school, after a run. Collerbones. Lordy.

The next day, my dad came and picked me up from boarding. He drove me back home to Denmark in the middle of the school term. I was petrified about missing school and falling behind but it needed to happen. I ended up spending the rest of the term at home.

There were new rules created for me. I wasn't allowed to exercise. I could go on walks if mum came with me. I had to sit at the table with the family and finish everything on my plate at every meal (this generally ended with me crying and mum and dad congratulating me for doing 'such a good job!')

Mum and Dad were my biggest support during my lowest point. There were times I was so angry with them for 'making,' me eat. Thank god they did!

I went back to school the next term, for about a week until old habits returned. Mum had to take me home and the whole process repeated itself. 

There're only a few times in my life I remember my parents crying:

• My mum when I ripped a photo of us in half after having a tantrum when I was 5 (I was a shit of a child.)
• My dad when his dog Bella passed away.
• Dad, when I was admitted to hospital in 2017.
• And Mum, in the kitchen, telling me she was scared I was going to die because I was starving myself.

I can't even begin to imagine what this was like for my parents. I never want to put them through something like that again. I look back at photos of when I was sick and they look sick too. They both looked drained, tired and old (neither of them look drained, tired nor old anymore!)

See what I mean? 

Four days after I first came home. Dad's Birthday.

So eventually, I decided I didn't want to hurt the people closest to me anymore. I read a book, Brain over Binge which wasn't specific to Anorexia (hey I finally said the 'A' word!) but there was something in it that helped. I don't quite know what, but it was almost like I suddenly decided I didn't want to have an eating disorder anymore. Don't get me wrong - it took a bloody long time to be 'normal,' again, but it did really help.

I don't really know what else to say. I feel like we need to talk about eating disorders more as well as mental health in general. We need to support our daughters, sisters, brothers and sons to make them realise that they are so, so special and that their bodies are beautiful and should be treated like a precious gem.

If you're worried about someone you love or need to talk to someone about eating disorders in Australia, you can get help from The Butterfly Foundation

Wowzer, writing that has taken it out of me! I'm going to go watch Animal Kingdom and do something happy haha!

Siobhan

Instagram | Lush Instagram | Email